


Falling Apart

by jaystjames



Category: Chicago PD (TV), One Chicago
Genre: AU, Angst, Depression, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Jay has had a hard time, Mentions of Mouse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-14 16:15:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28673574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaystjames/pseuds/jaystjames
Summary: AU, takes place after 6x03 where Hank shouts at JayAlthough I've written mostly Glee, I do love Chicago PD and Jay and i thought it would be interesting to write something. It's different to what i usualluy write, so i hope you enjoy.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	Falling Apart

The machine had been driving him insane. It was how he knew that he had failed. He wasn't supposed to still be here.

Every time he seemed to move doctors kept coming in, ordering him to lie down. Dr Choi had mentioned something about him just having surgery but to be honest he didn't care. He just wanted to escape this.

He didn't want to face his colleagues, Adam, Kim, Kevin, Trudy, Hank and most of all Hailey. He didn't want to see their disappointed faces. He watched as Will, his brother was out there. He looked so confused, so angry. It had to have been a week and Will still hadn't even spoke to him.

Sometimes Hailey and Sylvie came round, sitting next to him, desperately trying to get him to talk or eat. But he couldn't manage that. He already had put them through so much pain.

That afternoon Dr Charles came to talk to him about what he had been feeling. Dr Charles had asked him if he remembers what he did and why he did it and what he was feeling now. The questions were too invasive for his liking and an ' i'm fine' wouldn't probably cut it. He didn't wan to tell anyone why he did it. Not yet anyway.

He thought about his time in the army a lot, and what he experienced, he still gets nightmares and he still can't sleep. Jay has tried to repress those memories but he can't, they won't go away. Jay think about the time where he hasn't been a good son, a good brother and how his family were disappointed after he enlisted and his mom passed away. He thinks about how he has a hard time expressing his emotions and how he keeps people away. He thinks about how he can't hold a relationship. He thinks about all the times he's messed up at work and made mistakes. Jay thinks about all that but he can't seem to get it off his chest.

When he finally got back to his apartment he realised that everything was where he left it. Fuck, he should've disposed of everything. Stupid mistakes.

He made his way to the couch, the room is practically empty anyway. His apartment doesn't even look like his. He has nothing personal in it. He sat in the darkness that consumed his apartment, his life and he felt the usual sinking feeling that he just wanted to go away.

He went to his bedroom and found something of his others. It was a necklace of hers which she gave him before she passed and he kept it. He feels closer to his mother when he holds it. It's so beautiful, just like his mother. He wishes life hadn't been so cruel and taken her away, but if he goes , he will be with her.

It was the necklace which lead him to realising that he doesn't deserve to exist. No matter how hard he tried he couldn't feel his mother. He had failed his mother, again and like how he failed all the people in his life and the city. His father had been right about him.

He thought about it again. He had to think of another way.

Jay makes a bath.He leaves his joggers on though, he doesn't want to horrify the person who finds him. He puts his phone face down, ignoring the probable incoming calls. He takes a blade and presses it deep into his arm, he watches as the red liquid forms on his skin. He repeats this until his arms are littered with red lines.

"Jay!" 

He hears he voice of Hailey. She is clearly worried. He wishes that it wasn't her that was going to find him, but Jay can't do anything about that now. 

He quickly dries himself and puts on a hoodie to cover his arms. He runs to the door to see Hailey. she looks disappointed, she looks concerned.

"Jay, I was so worried about you" She says all too fast.

"Hailey, I need help" Jay admits.

Jay hopes it's a step in the right direction. He can't go on feeling like this, he hopes by getting help will make him get closer to mom and hopefully rebuild all his relationships that he lost. He wanted to recover and that had to be a start.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed, tell mew if you want me to write more of Jay


End file.
